Tayler

Dear diary, December 30, 2007

I have been kind of depressed lately. I don’t know what it is but I have been taking my anger mostly out on my dad. Which makes me really upset because we are such good friends. On Christmas, after we left my aunts house, me and my dad sort of got into an argument. It was about my grades for this last semester. He basically was telling me that I ruined my chances of getting into Stanford. And that was making me really upset because I just support from my family that if I want something that I can go get it. My mother was with us and she told me that I might have to go to community collage for awhile until I would be able to go to Stanford. Which was also making me really upset. Who wants to go to community collage the first year the out of high school. I told them I had gotten English grade up but it seemed like they just didn’t believe me.

Well I got my report card yesterday and my grades were:
World History: B
Advanced Band: A
Spanish 2: C
Science: A
Weight Training: A
English: C
Algebra: B
My parents both acted like they were shocked about my English grade. They said they were expecting a D in that class. Because my teacher sent out an email and I had a D in the class but I told them I had gotten the grade up! And they didn’t believe me. Well at least it felt like they didn’t believe me.

All I want is for my parents to be proud of me. Especially my dad because I respect his opinion so much. And I fell that he isn’t proud of at all. Even thought he tells me and my mom tells me they both are. I fell like they don’t. it might be because all the arguments we had about my grades or it might be that I am not proud of myself. I feel really stupid lately. Like I say something and it comes out so stupid and my dad says WOW like I belong in the first grade. And the other day we had to get ice and go somewhere else and I asked him which one he was going first. All he said was well since we don’t want the ice to melt we should probably go to the other place first. And than yesterday he told me that we had to go to circle K to get ice and go to home depot to get a heater for his office. He asked me where we should go first. I said we should get the heater first so that the ice doesn’t melt. He just says yeah now you’re thinking. Like I have never thought before. He makes me feel so stupid by making mean remarks like what did I say about smoking crack and lay off the crack. I try to blow it off but how long can you blow off feeling stupid? It really hurts my feelings. I have told him before that it really makes me sad. How can he be proud of me, if I am stupid?

I am not trying to tell anyone that I have bad parents, I have wonderful parents. My dad doesn’t think I am stupid I know but he jokes a lot and I have been taking it seriously because of my grades. I didn’t do as well as I wanted so I am probably making myself sad and blaming the wrong people. I just feel stupid all the time now.

I am going to try harder next semester, so hopefully I can show everybody including myself that I am smart.

Love,
Tayler!